T'is the Season!

Ahhhhh yes. The Season of Giving. The Season of Laughter. The Season to Be Grateful. The Season of Less Snarkitude and More Empathy.

I'm UberThankful for:

1. the good health of myself and my family!!! That's always the #1 item.
2. my library system. Seriously. Without it, I'd be broke. if I ever win the Powerball, I'm going to tithe my library.
3. the relative ease with which I can homeschool my kids. What with the googles and the lackadaisical attitude of my state towards public edumacation, I can be The Boss with little-to-no paperwork hassles.
4. frozen individual meals. Lean Cuisine? I'm talkin' ta YOU. SmartOnes? Healthy Choice? Step up and receive your award. All y'all help me keep my sanity on a daily basis.
5. Target brand chicken nuggets. My children's sole source of protein many days.
6. SuperTarget! My own personal superhero, complete with red (bullseye) cape. Where else can you get 93% lean ground beef, a Spongebob Make Your Own Taco Kit, Spongebob jammies and Spongebob batteries all in one easy stop?
7. My "girls." Many years ago I joined an online community and have found friendships that have lasted through marriage, divorce, children's births, children's tragedies, and multiple "No He Didn'ts!" wrt J&J+8. I've met a few of them irl and am so happy to say they did not turn out to be serial killers or (even worse) men trolling as women. ;)

On that note I want one of these dear friends to know that she's in my heart and thoughts especially..... my fellow blogger Katy has had bizarre and unexplained health issues recently. While I'm thankful that none of my worst-case-scenario-fears have come true, I truly wish I could be there for her in person to help with the regular, mundane stuff, and to support her family. She's one of the strongest ladies I've ever met and a credit to her daughters and our gender. Get well SOON, Katy!!

ISO...

I am in search of an industrial application for the corporate - size lots of baby snot being produced at my house. Seriously, people, I'm like, ankle-deep here and it's only getting sloshier as the day drags on.

Think 3M would be interested? Kind of a "green" scheme for post-its? It's sticky, pliable and biodegradeable........

Or maybe the fine gentlemen at This Old House can use it in some sort of insulating capacity?

Or perhaps I should call Ortho and end-license this fabulous product as the next generation fly paper?

Shudder.

Dear Michael Vick: You're On The Clock!

Since moving to the Philadelphia area some ten years ago, we've taken to our adopted locale as many a native might: we become immediately outraged at the slightest, um, slight to our fair city, we belligerantly defend her crime, her overpriced cheesesteaks, her (big finger quotes here) "public transportation," and her diversity to the point of irrationality. Why? Because Philadelphia truly is the City of Brotherly (and Sisterly) Love, embracing all ethnicities and lifestyles. She may be on a down-cycle, but that only means the upswing is around the corner.

Now that we've spent our cliché quota.......

Michael Vick has signed a two year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. Their plan is so simple, it's genius: re-train Vick as the QB he coulda been. If McNabb gets injured, Vick's your starter. If the Iggles make the Superbowl and win, McNabb will probably retire, and Vick is your starter. If they do well and McNabb doesn't retire but Vick proves his worth, trade Vick for beau coup de picks and players. Win-win for everyone.

It's van Gogh in it's simplicity, depth and foresight.

Dear Michael:
You said all the right stuff at your press conference today. Let's see if you can walk the walk... you are ON the CLOCK!

CC to Donovan: Please keep your boy off South Street, and on Straight & Narrow Highway. Coach Dungy can't be everywhere at once, you know.

(and you thought I was fresh outta clichés? I'm just gettin warmed up!)

How long til someone dusts off Gretsky and throws some Phlyers pads on him?

You Know Your Kids Pay Attention When...

So the other day, my oldest son, Vin (5) and I have this conversation.

Vin: Why is your face all scrunched up, Mommy?
Me: I'm trying to think of the title of a book I read a long time ago.
Vin: Was it a big book?
Me: No, it was kinda small.
Vin: Is it on our shelf?
Me: No, I gave it away. I'd like to read it again from the library, but I can't remember the name of it.
Vin: Was it about VAMPIRES? You read a lot of books about VAMPIRES!



Tee hee hee. Well, yeah, maybe I do. *blush* I'm a Twilight Mom. And a Sookie Mom. And an Anita Blake Mom. I'm an Undead and Un______ Mom. I was an Interviewee With the Vampire before I was a Mom.

I have done my level best to instill a love of reading in Vin by setting a good example. Perhaps it's time to set an example of diversity in taste? Time to demonstrate that new genres can be exciting and thrilling, even if you do leave behind your comfy little niche (however momentarily)? I can't have him watching me and then deciding he only wants to read Nate the Great-style mysteries (well-written and intriguing as they might be, even for a child's series!) forever and ever.



Earlier this summer I got myself hooked (and by "hooked," I mean "crack-addicted") to a serial killer series by Tim Dorsey.



I'm still making my way through that set. Between Serge and Anita, I just don't have room in my life for another character. My heart is full. And while I anxiously await the next installment of Sookie and Betsy, I'm secretly relieved to be able to concentrate on just two of my favorite fictional people instead of four!

Of course, you know the millisecond a sequel comes out for Breaking Dawn, I'll have that baby pre-ordered faster than you say FANG.



P.S., I did finally remember the title of that book: Since the Layoffs, by Iain Levison. Fantastic novel about........ you guessed it......... a murderer. Happy Weekend!

To Be Invented:

Note to self: Do what you love. Get someone else to do the other stuff.

To do:

1. Be a mommy.
2. Read
3. Watch that diet
4. Find some more movement
5. Learn about what's going on in the world
6. Con Charles into a 3rd kiddo
   

To get someone else to do:

1. Invent self-folding laundry
2. Invent self-unloading dishwasher
3. Invent self-cleaning bathrooms
4. Invent a way to herd the bugs out of my house so that I don't have to

• a) smash them
• b) squash them
• c) crunch them
• d) get stung/bitten while attempting a-c.

Cardboard? Noooo... Delicious? Yesssssss!

Surely you've seen him. The handsome actor of questionable Asian descent (immediately and affectionately deemed a "cousin" by our crack in-house staff of lay-genealogists) has become an ubiquitous symbol of friendly, gentle bowel rehab, an anti-anal-retentive guru for the uptight, pent-up white bread American.

A group to which I am a card-carrying member.

Ajay Mehta is even less threatening than Jamie Lee Curtis with her fancy yogurt, and THAT is saying something. (Although that whole Halloween history works against her just a wee bit IMHO.)

The fact that Mr. Mehta (an Indian, according to the all-knowing Wiki folks) works on a marketing campaign for something inherently designed to make you feel like he sounds..... chillaxed, Calgon-ed away, and most importantly, REGULAR, says a little something about his home culture.

Indians can poop like there is NO tomorrow. I think it's a genetic gift. A gift akin to, say, flying. Or becoming invisible at-will. Or ESP. I should know, because I'm married to a guy who never lets a cross-Atlantic flight stop him up, never has to "run home to let out the dog," and never gets that "not so fresh" feeling that often accompanies a few days of digestive immobility.

I believe it to be nature, rather than nurture that accommodates him so happily. Even on an American diet, he has remained more regular than Old Faithful. His children have NEVER had to eat a "fiber cookie," never had a haemorrhoid, rarely even have a "push face" - you know, the one that is so endearing to see on a toddler? The only way you know they're working hard?

While this genetic superpower obviously has its upside: schedule-ability, resultant easy-going attitudes; it also has a decidedly negative point: MY GAWD, THE SMELL.

I can lysol the bejeezus out of my bathrooms, I can change the diaper pail 3X daily, but good gravy you can tell this house is filled to the brim with MEN.

Very happy, relaxed, Buddha-like men, who never met a potty they didn't give a test-run. And by (big finger quotes here) "test-run," I mean Gone in 60 Seconds/Fast&Furious/RUSH HOUR - style rehearsals.

Note to self: check DVR for F&F reruns.....



I, otoh, being that card-carrying victim of white bread dietary obstruction, luuuuurve me some Fiber One in any/all carnations. My only issue is this: like the tater chips which by DESIGN necessitate the need for F1 in the first place...

Once I pop, I can't stop. Muffins, pancakes, bars, oh my.......

'S'cuse me, I have to go let the dog out.

Duh, howzabout a Proper Title?

Image by Cool Text: Logo and Button Generator - Create Your Own

Thank you to Cool Text for the logo!

We are opening for business on August 24. We are JAZZED!






Really, the whole mess only cost about $50 and change. The Dollar Tree had all the posters, and I scored a 3'X4' dry erase board from Board Dudes via Amazon.

We'll be doing music, language arts, math, science, and PE daily; art will be Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Spanish will be incorporated on an incremental basis starting with art.

We just need a mascot and we'll be golden!

Staycation? Vacation? Alternacation?

A few months ago, Charles suggested we take a "real" vacation this year. As in, "Pack up the car, honey, let's hit the road. " I got VERY excited! I started looking at maps. I engaged Vin in all manner of hypothetical geographical discussions. We dreamed, we planned, we calculated.

Here we are, mid-July.

The extent of our vacations thus far have included one day trip to the beach in New Jersey (motto: "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY YOU ASSHOLE!"), and one day trip to the beach in Delaware (motto: "You're from New Jersey, aren't you. Sigh").

It's juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussttttttttttttttt........... not worth it. The diapers. The clothes. The sheer number of juice boxes it takes to get through an hour in the car could refresh an entire third world country. We drive a Civic, not known for its juice box capacity, much less a plethora of cupholders. And then upon our return home, we get to unwind by cleaning out the car and doing 10ish loads of laundry. Throwing out moldy grapes, and wondering if those are Cheerios gone wrong, or Fruit Loops gone awry. Hopefully we return to a house left in peace, unaccosted by a) burglars b) stray "pets" and/or c) escaped neighborhood crazies from the group home. (Anyone seen Ted?)

Option B: So, say we go nowhere. We take the Poor Man's Vacation: the Staycation?

Meaning what?........... we sit around and look at each other for a week? Charles continues with the home-maintenance projects he's so fond of and I continue with schooling, violin practice, laundry, cooking and cleaning?  Charles gets the "added benefit" of doing home maintenance projects during the daylight with fewer mosquitoes and more humidity, with more pressure to get them "all done while he has the time." YES! AWESOME! 

Ah, no. Un-awesome.

I propose a third option...... supports the local economy, and provides for a decent R&R for Mommy and Daddy. The All-Inclusive Alternacation.

Included:
Merry Maid Service
Handy Man
Lawn Service
Tutor
Nanny
Bonus: In-call massage therapist.

I figure we can support six local micro-economies in the comfort of our own home, safe and secure in the fact that if Cocoa the Friendly Neighborhood Pit Bull gets loose, her "parents" are but a quick phone call away..... no missed planes, no lay-overs, no orange barrels, no "Oh SNAP! I'm out of hand sanitizer! Quick, find a Dollar Tree!" freakouts.

Yes, the Alternacation could be a good thing.  I wonder how much background checks cost? Will we ever be able to return from our Alternacation to the Real World? Or might we resort to Day Trading and Currency Swapping to maintain the Alternacation indefinitely? 

Someone get Mark Burnett on Line 1. I think we have a winner!

Introducing...........

The newest member of the family! Can you tell what it is?
S/he's got four legs, two long ears and a little puffy tail. I hope s/he's female, because Vin named her "Lucy." She's our feral bunnywabbit, living in our backyard. Bestest pet yet. Supercute, no feed or vet bills.

I only hope the red fox living in the marsh behind us doesn't get any barbeque ideas........

Bucket List

You have one, right? That list of things to do before you die? I have one, and it keeps growing to the point where I think I might have to retire last week to get it all done! :)

1. Stonehenge
2. County Kildare, Ireland
3. Run a race of some sort
4. Get "some work done" (iukwim ;) )
5. Massive road trip of all the geographical landmarks in my favorite books
6. Write a book
7. Have an epiphany
8. Be a contestant on Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune
9. Own a horse
10. Step on each continent

Geez, many of my line items are pricey.

11. Win Powerball or Mega Millions lottery.

Nature/Nurture

I love nature. I do. Honest. I drive a hybrid car. I recycle. I have a front-loading washing machine. I luuuuuuuuurve nature. I love it so much, I want to keep it pristine, clean, and most importantly, far FAR away from me.

I want to maximize my backyard. We have a nice backyard, plenty big, unfortunately it has a huge hunk o'granite in the middle of it. But we work around that.

I'm thinking beach - a big ole beach volleyball court IN my yard. How cool would that be?? No skeeters, no moles, no coons, no slugs. This pro guy - Todd Rogers, he managed it. A big fat sandbox with a net in the middle and a kiddie pool on the side. YES! FUN! 2 hour ride to the beach? Nasty public bath house? Questionable water quality? Buh to the bye, baby!!

One potential problem though............ how to keep the neighborhood kitties out? Tarp it every night?









What else could we do to minimize mowing? A cow? Llama? Alpaca? A goat? Baby boy is allergic to cow's milk, and there might not be enough space for a llama/alpaca, but a goat? That's got potential.


Goat milk, goat cheese.... making your own would probably be cheaper than buying it from Trader Joe's. And it would make a superfly homeschool science project. I wonder how much the vet bills would cost. Would they be comparable to the upkeep on a sandlot?

More importantly, can Billy Gruff cover a soccer goal?

Top 5

I'm in a list-making mood. :)

Top Five Baby Foods:
1. Cheerios
2. melon
3. sweet potato
4. banana
5. applesauce

Top Five Little Boy Foods:
1. chicken nuggets
2. grilled cheese
3. curry
4. pancakes
5. scrambled eggs

Top Five Diet Foods:
1. 100-calorie popcorn bags
2. ice cubes
3. Diet Coke
4. green pepper strips
5. cherry tomatoes

Top Five Diet Exploders:
1. Pizza
2. Five Guys
3. Ice cream
4. Ice cream
5. Ice cream

Top Five Basic Cable Shows:
1. The Daily Show
2. The Colbert Report
3. Dirty Jobs
4. Mythbusters
5. Good Eats

Top Five Kids' Shows:
1. Between The Lions
2. Wordgirl
3. Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman
4. Cyberchase
5. Little Einsteins

Top Five Ways to Kill Time in Summer:
1. Library
2. Playground
3. Mall
4. Playground
5. Playground

If It's Monday, It Must Be Acid - Coleman

Happy Monday, Party People!

Ready to rock? Prepped for pizazz? SUPAHDUPAH.

But first, let's have the answers avec jazz hands to yesterday's quiz:
1 - C
2 - A
3 - E
4 - B
5 - D

Now, because it's MONDAY and everybody hates MONDAYS because of the simple fact that it's MONDAY, let's save the ranting for another day and start off the week with a RAVE instead.

Here we are halfway through the summer and you're fresh outta beachy reading. Admit it. You blasted through Oprah's list, the Today Show list, and the USA Today list. All the full-color-Parade-Magazine easy stuff is shot. Now what?

You get yourself the rest of the way through the hot, humid, fetid summer with a little (or a lot) of Tim Dorsey. He's only the best murder/suspense author you haven't been reading. He's only hysterically L-O-L (yeah, WITH the dashes, drag it out) funny. He's the only author not writing about vampires who will force you to neglect your parenting and forget to cork the hose to the kiddie pool. Why is he the only one? Because you already plowed through all of Carl Hiaasen's stuff, that's why.

So get a hold of your local librarian and put in a request for Triggerfish Twist (yes, read them in chronological order). You'll feel so much better about the Old Farts cutting you off in traffic once you learn what you can do with Fix-A-Flat. Serge A. Storms, defender of the public trust, enforcer of logical empathy? Go Obama with me, folks......... YES, He Can!! Or, since it's set in Florida, SI, Se Puede!!

Happy Monday....... Feliz Lunes!

Matching Game

So we're at the beach yesterday...... the whole fam, chillaxin and gettin our sun on. And playing a little game.

Object of the Game: Match the Interjection (!) with the scenario.

Interjections
1. ACK!!! Ohmigawd something snapped at me!!
2. Eeeuuuwwww!!
3. You need to turn that right around.
4. Do you REALLY need to do that HERE?!
5. Oh no!!

Scenarios
A. Jersey boi in man-pris, open dress shirt,
more bling than Mr T and a circumference
just less than the space needle.
B. Three drunken teens playing foosball
C. Woman getting attacked by seaweed.
D. Vin vomiting in the ocean.
E. State Park Rangers rejecting the public
from the at-capacity facility.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, such a Calgon day. ;)
Tune in for the answers tomorrow!

Speed Blogging

Well here we go with that first, awkward, getting-to-know-you post. The purpose of this blog? To regale the general public with cutesy stories of my adorable children? To plead with Those In Charge to expand their NMR facilities? To detail my own personal transformation from Squishy Postnatal Mommy to Hardbody Maternal Hottie?

Ehhhhhhhhhhh. Not so much.

I was thinking more along the lines of ripping off PTI, doing High-Fidelity-type Top 5 lists, paraphrastic Dave Barry-esque commentaries on pop culture and the occasional household product review.

A'ight?