1st State Fun

The Frugal Homeschooler ISO Benefit of the Doubt

2011-03-31T10:22:00.001-05:00

I am a homeschooler... with high standards and even higher hopes for my boys. On about $400 per academic year and multiple library trips I've managed to direct my older son (7) tthrough 6th grade reading comprehension, 7th grade spelling and 4th grade math. He also plays the violin (his working piece is Kreisler's Sicilienne and Rigaudon) thanks to his fabulous teachers (pas de moi). My younger son (3) counts from 1-20, knows his ABCs, and is just starting to sound out words. We're not messing around here. We're not those crazy hippie people that just let their kids start reading whenever it suits them; we don't engage in child-led curriculum. Think "Tiger Mother" meets "Mother Goose."

You may remember a homeschooled kid recently won the Intel Science Talent Search. My heart swelled with pride when I read that article... Those homeschoolers who perform in spelling bees, science fairs, college football (I'm looking at YOU, Tim Tebow) and other national-stage events enable the rest of us to keep teaching, legitimizing the homeschool process as something more than a Duggar kink or a Serial-Killer Nursery. Under the tree of these kids' accomplishments, we forage for supplies to enlighten and demonstrate that which our babies need to know to thrive in This Modern World.

(Note to self: implement metaphor curric, stat: When Is Too Much, Just Right?)

I am not above dumpster-diving, neither is the Mister... Especially when it comes to doodads, gizmos, and assorted detritus with/sans power cords. ThinkGeek is literally GIVING AWAY stuff from their dumpster! I consider the bounty of possibilities for the boys: robots, circuitry, DIY computers, the "What if?" conversations that lead to drawings and conversations late into the night... and all for free. No re-arranging the Target budget to accommodate sound cards, no wrangling one more season out of cheap-knit clothing so's to apply that Old Navy budget to a wary, tired motherboard.

Group website, blog, or other proof you'll use these materials for good, not evil *

How to prove our legitimacy and woooooorthiness of quarterly gadget dumpster-allowances? The beauty of living in Texas is that you don't have to prove much of anything to homeschool. If someone shows up asking what you teach, you show them what you teach... and it must include reading, writing, 'rithmetic, and citizenship (among other things). It's very simple, and there are no membership cards.

Errmmm, does this blog count? I could post a quarterly review of what exactly we do with ThinkGeek's goodies? I could sign a waiver? Send a t-shirt with our official logo? Host an in-house Robotics Fair/BBQ?

It would not be logical to create a bomb or interfere with the lives of innocents with these materials, Captain.

ProcrastiNation

2010-12-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

Things To Do Instead of Edit My Novel:

1. Rip off Ellen Meister's fantastic blog topic.
2. Listen to wee boy pretend to read a book.
3. Help less-wee boy with irregular verbs (fascinating!).
4. Peruse the twitterverse.
5. Curse twitterverse for its ridonkeylous time suckage-to-usefulness ratio.
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6. Write new blog. (more than once a quarter?? Do I get a prize?)
7. Ruminate on the number of and reasons for which millipedes continue to commit suicide in such a cute manner in my tv room. They look like little bitty leggy juicy bagels. Breakie for plastic Lego people.
8. Change a diaper.
9. Mentally debate monetary value of Three Seconds ARC. Verbally chastise self for not having cracked it open yet.
10. Guiltily remind self to pick up Johannes Cabal the Detective from library when I should be reading Three Seconds, then feel guilty for gleeful response ("Yay!! I've been waiting for this since the last JC! Who doesn't love a necromancer, anyway?").
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11. Diaper Time!
12. Ponder the cost versus potential learning value of having less-wee boy re-create freaking awesome lego robotics thingie:

13. Consider my writing partners from book club, wonder if they're suffering the same agony. Compose beautifully worded email to inquire. Save as draft.
14. Empty dishwasher. Deem this to be the "lamest three minutes of the day."
15. Job-hunt for the mister. Of course the new company is holding layoffs six months after he starts the job. Quelle surprise.
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16. Track down insurance information for wee boy's flu shot. (Seriously, $59 for a shot?? $38 of that to advise me to have him get the flu shot??)
17. Repeatedly click through insurance company's website, become frustrated, sit on hold for "human" "customer service" "representative" thirty-odd minutes.
18. What's that smell? Diaper change time.
19. Throw back out hoisting 35 lb two year old up to changing table. Cuss table. Cuss self for feeding child. Cuss self for not building one of those cool pet-step contraptions so child can walk SELF up to changing table. Feel sorry for self.
20. Give self day off.

You Will Kick Yourself For Not Having Heard This Already

2010-12-03T17:11:00.003-05:00

So in the process of kindasorta putting together a music curric for the boys, I use a lot of online resources (i.e., favorite tv show websites).... while sifting through various Electric Company clips on zee youtubes, I stumble upon this kid with the voice of Stevie Wonder. And his name is Arthur. Apparently he's the 4th of a long line of Arthurs? I can only infer as much from his website name.

But that's not why you called. You need to hear this kid.
Here's a free taste:
http://arthurthefourth.com/far-side-of-town/

He makes Michael Buble sound like he's chewing ice cubes.

Once you wet your whistle, you can download the mini-album from his site for $5. For price of a footlong that will last you 3 minutes, you can own some really intelligent, creative music and bebop to it for the rest of your freaking life.

I might have to use his One Mo'gin youtube video to put on a piano clinic for the kiddos. Right after they finish their beatboxing lesson...

Mileage. Lots of It.

2010-11-29T17:05:00.013-05:00

Well, HELLOOO, there, Party Peeps!
I'm happy to report we are now 50% employed (again) after swiftly averting a massive layoff with a pre-emptive Screw You, I QUIT! stroke of luck.

Then there was the whole Sell This House debacle, whence we sold our house, after putting another 3k into it, on top of the several k (K!) we had in it, at a deep, deep (SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!) deep discount.

My actual children, clearly unsure about this whole impending 3 day car trip thing.

Husband shakes his head. "I cannot believe we took such a hit. We should have stayed and taken our chances."

Wife. "Don't be ridonkeylous. You found a job. At a time like this. When you've already been looking for two (plus!) years? (SHH)."

So we pull up stakes and move a scant 1500ish miles from the east coast to Fort Worth. In Texas. A lovely little apartment in a complex the size of Toledo. Plenty of parking. Fresh air. Sunshine. Heat. It was averaging 105*F the week the Husband landed at DFW. But it's a dry heat. Which is BS when you figure, ok, bake your lungs, as opposed to steaming them? Still renders them useless. But I digress.

A mere five weeks later, after two separately failed lease deals, we found a house to rent, in lieu of finding a house to buy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Corporate America, don't think you can pull a fast one like that on us again! No, siree, we have learned our lesson. The next house we buy will have wheels on the bottom and an average mpg of hopefully at least 12. Maybe some nice spinnerzzzzz.

Renting is actually a great thing. Frees up a LOT of time. Oven broke? No prob, bob, call the landlord. Paint chipping? Ehhh, not my re-sale value, not my problem. In fact, I had so much time, I wrote an entirely new novel in the month of November and became a NaNoWriMo Stud-ette!

Our rental home is located in Arlington, home to the Texas Rangers, the Dallas Mavericks, the Dallas Cowboys, and Six Flags and a shopping mall which contains its own ICE ARENA. The commute is..... negotiable. Some days, the Husband negotiates for 15 minutes. Other days, it's more like 15 hours. Depends on who's flying off the overpasses on the south side of Fort Worth, and how many innocent bystanders go for a free wide.

Now that I've set the scene, (hot, dry, sunny), let's chat Culture Shock. We have been asked many times (usually right after, "And where exactly is Delaware, again?") if we have encountered any Culture Shock since we arrived here in The Great State of TEXAS(!). While we tend to be even-tempered, kinda zen, fairly un-hype-able, we have noticed some visible differences between the culture of the east coast, where we've resided somewhere along I-95 for the last ten years, and our soft landing out here in the.... um... Great State of TEXAS(!).

1. Texans really do talk funny. And drive big vehicles. But really, that's not much different from Jersey.

2. It's hot. But it's a dry heat. Which is great in November! And is also great for when your easy-bake oven dies a horrible death in July.

3. Texas is a freaking big place with freaking big space. Delaware is like the keyhole to the east coast. Texas is the Enormous Pearly Gates to the Southwest (aka where Old People go to die now that Florida is full).

3A. We were looking at a home for sale with our realtor, and we noted the convenience to the grocery store, which was just across the street. I said, "HEY! How conveeeenient! I could just walk to the store!" Realtor looked at me like I had two heads. Not a lot of local walky errands going on here. Which is great for the pavement-maker-people.

4. Civic Pride. Texans LOVE TEXAS!!! "Well, of course you moved to Texas, sweetheart, why wouldn't you?" exclaimed the DMV lady to yours truly. This is NOT a place from which most people leave/escape/flee. People come to Texas of their own free will, for jobs, school, liberty from snow that buries them to their ears annually. I have not, in my four other American states of residence, encountered an ex-pat Texan, unless they were military. I get the vibe that, wall-fence or not, Texans see Texas as their own country, whether or not You People recognize it.

5. It's not as bad as non-Texans might think. *wink* (Legal Caveat: DFW area only)
Texas has a general reputation (among non-Texans) for being full of truck-drivin', gun-totin', racist, ignorant, in-bred, redneck, close-minded, non-soccer playing (GASP) Bible-bangers. As a mixed-race family, I'll admit, I shuddered and worried about my dramatic, sensitive male children's well-being. But, the economy being what it is, you got to take chances and get messy. I'm happy to report that not one person has looked at us funny, we've not overheard one hateful comment, no one has attempted to evangelize us even once. (PHEW!) To the contrary, one of Fort Worth's own city councilmen jumped on the It Gets Better Bandwagon:

Now, whatever your own stance on the movement, you have to admit, to see this video originate deep in the northern heart of Texas stabs the POOF! out of a lot of the overblown balloony stereotypes.

So, to sum up: Texas (so far) is not as scary, socially speaking, as we were afraid it might be. It's hot. It requires plenty of gasoline to get from Point A to Point B. You can homeschool without the government so much as batting an eye at you (non-homeschoolers have no idea what a HUGE PLUS this is! Trust me, it's a HUGE PLUS!) I have not actually seen anyone carrying a gun in a public place (yet), although I have seen plenty of signs restricting firearms on, say, the playground.

This is the actual sign from our local playground. I guess it's good to have The Rules spelled out so there are no ..... misunderstandings?

Telephone Remake

2010-04-30T12:37:00.000-05:00

Shut up and watch.

Worth the Money, Honey

2010-04-30T11:39:00.003-05:00

A short list of things and people that are definitely worth the money.

1. KABOOM! bathroom cleaner. I never knew how satisfying murdering germs could be til I saw that magical transformation of periwinkle-to-white foam at work. Take that, Mr. E. coli, and that, Madame Staph, and that, Sir Strep. RAWR.

2. Honda hybrid vehicles. Change that oil once every 10k miles. Fill the tank with cheap gas once a month. Repeat for 7+ years.

3. DVR. Seriously worth it's weight in gold. Or high-test. How did we live, pre-DVR? Oh yeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh, VHS. "Fix the tracking, will ya, son? Nope, went too far.... try again..... eh, dammit, gimme that clicker." Right. DVR = World Peace. We just need a few more units.

4. Diet Coke. Nothing can compare. Coke Zero? Too flat. Diet Pepsi? Too can-ny. Diet Rite? Too tinny. Tab? Too....... nuclear waste-y. Diet Coke. Peeeerrrrrrrrfect little bubbles, perrrrrrrrfect amount of aspartame tang, perrrrrrrrfect amount of caffeine. Enough to whack a headache, not so much that you start jiggling your keys 2 hours before heading home. Ah, Diet Coke, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.....

5. Johnson & Johnson Babywash. Not the generic, "plastic safety seals are for wussies" store brand. Real, actual J&J one&done baby wash. This stuff will take pine tar off your car and yet leave your baby's booty smooth and soft as, errrrmmmm, well, you know. You could practically feed it to your baby and aside from a few errant bubbly burps, no one would be the wiser. But should your precious booboochicken produce a wicked asphalt+sourghum+port wine-type of deposit in his weeeeee widdle pants, that happens to travel out his diaper and onto his weeeee widdle wegs, and all over his weeeee widdle butt, and his weeeeee widdle, uhhh, wee-wee(!), you can breathe easy knowing that you chose the Supreme Mohawk Making Poop Solvent.

6. NMR Spectroscopist. Specifically, my Mister, who is currently seeking full time employment.

How many times has this happened to you? You're sitting on top of a brand new cure, a vaccine which will simultaneously wipe out HIV and that annoying jock itch, but you really need to figure out if that precipitate in the tube is a problem. What is it? An impurity? An anomaly? A harmless biproduct? A carcinogen capable of destroying the population of Uruguay in a week? Tap, tap, tap. You need to formulate your fantastic new cure, get it into the pill, through the pipeline, and down the gullets of your Phase I vics, I mean, volunteers ASAP. You don't have time to waste, and your investors are checking their watches as well as the Dow ticker.........

Well, if you had a (my) handy dandy NMR Spectroscopist, all your problems would be SOLVED! A tap of the tube, a click of the button, a gentle whiiiiirrrrr and "WAH-LAA, Mr. Cure-Discoverer, there's yer problem. Just aspirate that supernatant over to this clean tube and you're good to go."

See there, your problems solved in a few minutes. Patents obtained, pills made, gullets filled, data analyzed, FDA cleared, investors .... invested, millions cured, millions made.

But you gotta make that hire. Call now, operators (me and my kiddos) are standing by. Try to ignore the hollering in the background, that's just my oldest scrubbing the tar off my youngest's booty with a mixture of J&J bodywash and Diet Coke.

Hey, Looky-Loo!!

2010-04-14T09:59:00.002-05:00

A professional athlete who makes beaucoup de buckos, AND who appears to behave like a decent human being!!!
Teixeira Honors a Cancer Patient

Hmmmmm. We've found ONE. Let's hunt for some more.......

Jane Lynch Is A Goddess

2010-04-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

TigerPhilGoodEvilOMGWhatShouldIThink

2010-04-13T13:33:00.002-05:00

Please.
Stop.
I don't care.
I don't care how many waitresses Tiger boinked. Or what his wife is thinking, or feeling, or how she's dealing with it. I don't care if he really is a sex addict or not.
I don't care if Phil is A Good Guy or not. He could be a flamingly bad tipper for all I know.

These guys have nothing to do with the price of gas or eggs..... they are simply *yawn*able B storylines for Perez and TMZ at this point.... yet they led each evening newscast for nearly a week. Really?

What I do know is that when you make an astoundingly huge amount of money for chasing a teensy ball around the yards, you gots to take the bad with the good. Do I have the right to judge your personal life? Yes, yes I do. You chose your lifestyle, your endorsements, your interviews, and your career.... fully knowing that professional athletics is a branch off Ye Olde Entertainment Tree. All the perks and pitfalls which apply to Brangelina & Co also apply to Mr. Famous Golfer, Mr. Famous Quarterback (Big Ben, please pick up a white courtesy phone, your tenuous future is on line 2) and Mr. Famous ESPN Anchorman. There's no Magic Wall between the cinematic red carpet and the ESPYs red carpet....... if anything, professional athletes have aimed to become perceived as MORE comparable to their sweat-phobic funtime counterparts, not less.

Get a grip, get a brain, quit your whining, clean up your paper trail and please come to terms with your job description....... every contract is at-will, and the Price of Celebrity is clearly delineated in clause A(ii) a.k.a. the Paparazzi Clause, and clause B(iii-a), a.k.a. the Insanely High Compensation for Relatively Low Public Necessity. If you come up with a cure for HIV/AIDS, or a home-run in cancer treatment, or a fix for across-the-board literacy, you might be deserving of your meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellions of dollars.

But you currently chase a ball around the yard. In front of people. Like a labradoodle. So shut up and zip up.

That's Messed Up

2010-04-07T14:25:00.005-05:00

We awoke to this

this morning. Apparently some Doofus was trying to avoid this ittybitty speedbump:

by swerving into our driveway and taking the bump on 2 wheels. Nice shot, jerkoff.

I think when we repair the box, we might have to add a little extra incentive to stay on the road:

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Ask Questions - Make Mistakes - Get MESSY!!

2010-04-06T07:27:00.003-05:00

From our Friends at Homeschool Happenings:

52 Totally Awesome Science Experiments

And once you get THOSE mastered, maybe you can go work for Uncle Sam, devising questionable foodstuffs for the masses:

US Gov't Creates Lowfat Cake and Frosting

I love the science behind it, but man, I hope it tastes better than fat free cheese.

Donovan McNabb traded to Redskins - Washington Times

2010-04-05T15:07:00.001-05:00

I believe I had that.

Donovan McNabb traded to Redskins - Washington Times

So I guess this is a re-building year.

But you know who REALLY got hosed? Jason Campbell.

You stay Klassy, Dan Snyder. Meh.

Take my husband, PLEASE!

2010-03-14T12:07:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not searching for a Big Love - style tag team partner. I'm searching for a JOB, a position of full time EMPLOYMENT, some sort of Bring Home Dee Bacon On a Regular Basis Occupation for my Main Squeeze.

Charles is a casualty of the massive lay-off design of AstraZeneca (motto: "We don't need no steeenkeeeeng research!") in its plan to ditch the "R" of R&D. Considering the American Big Pharma trend in abandoning in-house research in favor of buying up smaller shops, he is ready to try a new industry.

Big Oil? Are you listening?

Corporate Farm, Inc? We're talkin' to YOU too!

We'll go anywhere, relo is not a prob, Bob!!

What's that? You say you're a Hiring Manager, in search of (or, "ISO," I think the kids are saying) an NMR spectroscopist with 11 years of industrial experience and the all-important Ph.D.? You say you need this person to have an eerie MacGyver-way of solving problems and producing results? Oh, and this applicant should speaky de THREE languages fluently? And not require visa sponsorship? And be eligible to work ANYWHERE in these United States of America?

DING DING DING!!!! We have a winner!

May I present to you, The Dr. Charles Babu. NMR Spectroscopist to the Stars. Analytical Chemist Extraordinaire. The Gandhi of Linux, The Guru of Handyman Repairs.

He can build a laptop with a check-book cover, a hairpin, and a Barbie shoe. And it'll be faster than that pc mess you're working on right now. And that's just his HOBBY. Imagine what he could do with your million dollar lab!!

He'll mentor your interns and educate your Six Sigma team with efficiencies you've only read about in Stephen Hawking's inkblot interpretations. And he won't even call a MEETING to do it........ he'll just transfer whatever you need to know via....
wait for it.......... are you sitting down?

Direct Communication.

*GASP*

I'll give you a minute to catch your breath.

If you have a question, he'll have an ANSWER. He won't chitterchat about accountability or question your motives. He won't call a meeting, form a steering committee or create a powerpoint reproduction of the matter (unless you want one). He'll just pinpoint the issue, and announce "Well, THERE'S your problem!"

And then he'll fix it. Just like he fixed my fridge, washer, dryer, Honda Civic, Honda Accord, garbage disposal and electrical outlets, all in the last few months. He won't procrastinate and he WILL read the directions!!

So your warranties will remain intact.

How many times have you looked at that test tube of The Next Billion Dollar Product, shaken your head, squinted at the spectrum and said to yourself, "Great, but what the hell is that OTHER stuff? We can't put that in a pill! Especially not knowing what it IS!"

He'll find your impurities, tell you what they are, if they matter and how to get RID of them. Funky solvent? Odd precipitate? Curious color? Charles to the rescue!

You say you need a paper trail, huh? You've got "authorities" and "regulations" and "compliance issues?" You need your procedures VALIDATED? Charles is all over GLP/GMP like white. on. rice. Your Regulatory Team will feel like they've had a Spa Day upon inspecting Charles' reports and lab. "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Call now! Operators are standing by.

T'is the Season!

2009-11-19T11:42:00.002-05:00

Ahhhhh yes. The Season of Giving. The Season of Laughter. The Season to Be Grateful. The Season of Less Snarkitude and More Empathy.

I'm UberThankful for:

1. the good health of myself and my family!!! That's always the #1 item.
2. my library system. Seriously. Without it, I'd be broke. if I ever win the Powerball, I'm going to tithe my library.
3. the relative ease with which I can homeschool my kids. What with the googles and the lackadaisical attitude of my state towards public edumacation, I can be The Boss with little-to-no paperwork hassles.
4. frozen individual meals. Lean Cuisine? I'm talkin' ta YOU. SmartOnes? Healthy Choice? Step up and receive your award. All y'all help me keep my sanity on a daily basis.
5. Target brand chicken nuggets. My children's sole source of protein many days.
6. SuperTarget! My own personal superhero, complete with red (bullseye) cape. Where else can you get 93% lean ground beef, a Spongebob Make Your Own Taco Kit, Spongebob jammies and Spongebob batteries all in one easy stop?
7. My "girls." Many years ago I joined an online community and have found friendships that have lasted through marriage, divorce, children's births, children's tragedies, and multiple "No He Didn'ts!" wrt J&J+8. I've met a few of them irl and am so happy to say they did not turn out to be serial killers or (even worse) men trolling as women. ;)

On that note I want one of these dear friends to know that she's in my heart and thoughts especially..... my fellow blogger Katy has had bizarre and unexplained health issues recently. While I'm thankful that none of my worst-case-scenario-fears have come true, I truly wish I could be there for her in person to help with the regular, mundane stuff, and to support her family. She's one of the strongest ladies I've ever met and a credit to her daughters and our gender. Get well SOON, Katy!!

ISO...

2009-10-05T14:48:00.002-05:00

I am in search of an industrial application for the corporate - size lots of baby snot being produced at my house. Seriously, people, I'm like, ankle-deep here and it's only getting sloshier as the day drags on.

Think 3M would be interested? Kind of a "green" scheme for post-its? It's sticky, pliable and biodegradeable........

Or maybe the fine gentlemen at This Old House can use it in some sort of insulating capacity?

Or perhaps I should call Ortho and end-license this fabulous product as the next generation fly paper?

Shudder.

Dear Michael Vick: You're On The Clock!

2009-08-14T11:25:00.002-05:00

Since moving to the Philadelphia area some ten years ago, we've taken to our adopted locale as many a native might: we become immediately outraged at the slightest, um, slight to our fair city, we belligerantly defend her crime, her overpriced cheesesteaks, her (big finger quotes here) "public transportation," and her diversity to the point of irrationality. Why? Because Philadelphia truly is the City of Brotherly (and Sisterly) Love, embracing all ethnicities and lifestyles. She may be on a down-cycle, but that only means the upswing is around the corner.

Now that we've spent our cliché quota.......

Michael Vick has signed a two year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. Their plan is so simple, it's genius: re-train Vick as the QB he coulda been. If McNabb gets injured, Vick's your starter. If the Iggles make the Superbowl and win, McNabb will probably retire, and Vick is your starter. If they do well and McNabb doesn't retire but Vick proves his worth, trade Vick for beau coup de picks and players. Win-win for everyone.

It's van Gogh in it's simplicity, depth and foresight.

Dear Michael:
You said all the right stuff at your press conference today. Let's see if you can walk the walk... you are ON the CLOCK!

CC to Donovan: Please keep your boy off South Street, and on Straight & Narrow Highway. Coach Dungy can't be everywhere at once, you know.

(and you thought I was fresh outta clichés? I'm just gettin warmed up!)

How long til someone dusts off Gretsky and throws some Phlyers pads on him?

You Know Your Kids Pay Attention When...

2009-08-07T12:03:00.007-05:00

So the other day, my oldest son, Vin (5) and I have this conversation.

Vin: Why is your face all scrunched up, Mommy?
Me: I'm trying to think of the title of a book I read a long time ago.
Vin: Was it a big book?
Me: No, it was kinda small.
Vin: Is it on our shelf?
Me: No, I gave it away. I'd like to read it again from the library, but I can't remember the name of it.
Vin: Was it about VAMPIRES? You read a lot of books about VAMPIRES!

Tee hee hee. Well, yeah, maybe I do. *blush* I'm a Twilight Mom. And a Sookie Mom. And an Anita Blake Mom. I'm an Undead and Un______ Mom. I was an Interviewee With the Vampire before I was a Mom.

I have done my level best to instill a love of reading in Vin by setting a good example. Perhaps it's time to set an example of diversity in taste? Time to demonstrate that new genres can be exciting and thrilling, even if you do leave behind your comfy little niche (however momentarily)? I can't have him watching me and then deciding he only wants to read Nate the Great-style mysteries (well-written and intriguing as they might be, even for a child's series!) forever and ever.

Earlier this summer I got myself hooked (and by "hooked," I mean "crack-addicted") to a serial killer series by Tim Dorsey.

I'm still making my way through that set. Between Serge and Anita, I just don't have room in my life for another character. My heart is full. And while I anxiously await the next installment of Sookie and Betsy, I'm secretly relieved to be able to concentrate on just two of my favorite fictional people instead of four!

Of course, you know the millisecond a sequel comes out for Breaking Dawn, I'll have that baby pre-ordered faster than you say FANG.

P.S., I did finally remember the title of that book: Since the Layoffs, by Iain Levison. Fantastic novel about........ you guessed it......... a murderer. Happy Weekend!

To Be Invented:

2009-08-06T11:36:00.002-05:00

Note to self: Do what you love. Get someone else to do the other stuff.

To do:

Be a mommy.
Read
Watch that diet
Find some more movement
Learn about what's going on in the world
Con Charles into a 3rd kiddo

To get someone else to do:

Invent self-folding laundry
Invent self-unloading dishwasher
Invent self-cleaning bathrooms
Invent a way to herd the bugs out of my house so that I don't have to

a) smash them
b) squash them
c) crunch them
d) get stung/bitten while attempting a-c.

Cardboard? Noooo... Delicious? Yesssssss!

2009-08-06T07:41:00.005-05:00

Surely you've seen him. The handsome actor of questionable Asian descent (immediately and affectionately deemed a "cousin" by our crack in-house staff of lay-genealogists) has become an ubiquitous symbol of friendly, gentle bowel rehab, an anti-anal-retentive guru for the uptight, pent-up white bread American.

A group to which I am a card-carrying member.

Ajay Mehta is even less threatening than Jamie Lee Curtis with her fancy yogurt, and THAT is saying something. (Although that whole Halloween history works against her just a wee bit IMHO.)

The fact that Mr. Mehta (an Indian, according to the all-knowing Wiki folks) works on a marketing campaign for something inherently designed to make you feel like he sounds..... chillaxed, Calgon-ed away, and most importantly, REGULAR, says a little something about his home culture.

Indians can poop like there is NO tomorrow. I think it's a genetic gift. A gift akin to, say, flying. Or becoming invisible at-will. Or ESP. I should know, because I'm married to a guy who never lets a cross-Atlantic flight stop him up, never has to "run home to let out the dog," and never gets that "not so fresh" feeling that often accompanies a few days of digestive immobility.

I believe it to be nature, rather than nurture that accommodates him so happily. Even on an American diet, he has remained more regular than Old Faithful. His children have NEVER had to eat a "fiber cookie," never had a haemorrhoid, rarely even have a "push face" - you know, the one that is so endearing to see on a toddler? The only way you know they're working hard?

While this genetic superpower obviously has its upside: schedule-ability, resultant easy-going attitudes; it also has a decidedly negative point: MY GAWD, THE SMELL.

I can lysol the bejeezus out of my bathrooms, I can change the diaper pail 3X daily, but good gravy you can tell this house is filled to the brim with MEN.

Very happy, relaxed, Buddha-like men, who never met a potty they didn't give a test-run. And by (big finger quotes here) "test-run," I mean Gone in 60 Seconds/Fast&Furious/RUSH HOUR - style rehearsals.

Note to self: check DVR for F&F reruns.....

I, otoh, being that card-carrying victim of white bread dietary obstruction, luuuuurve me some Fiber One in any/all carnations. My only issue is this: like the tater chips which by DESIGN necessitate the need for F1 in the first place...

Once I pop, I can't stop. Muffins, pancakes, bars, oh my.......

'S'cuse me, I have to go let the dog out.

Duh, howzabout a Proper Title?

2009-08-05T13:23:00.009-05:00

Image by Cool Text: Logo and Button Generator - Create Your Own

Thank you to Cool Text for the logo!

We are opening for business on August 24. We are JAZZED!

Really, the whole mess only cost about $50 and change. The Dollar Tree had all the posters, and I scored a 3'X4' dry erase board from Board Dudes via Amazon.

We'll be doing music, language arts, math, science, and PE daily; art will be Monday, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Spanish will be incorporated on an incremental basis starting with art.

We just need a mascot and we'll be golden!

Staycation? Vacation? Alternacation?

2009-07-23T14:41:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, Charles suggested we take a "real" vacation this year. As in, "Pack up the car, honey, let's hit the road. " I got VERY excited! I started looking at maps. I engaged Vin in all manner of hypothetical geographical discussions. We dreamed, we planned, we calculated.

Here we are, mid-July.

The extent of our vacations thus far have included one day trip to the beach in New Jersey (motto: "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY YOU ASSHOLE!"), and one day trip to the beach in Delaware (motto: "You're from New Jersey, aren't you. Sigh").

It's juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussttttttttttttttt........... not worth it. The diapers. The clothes. The sheer number of juice boxes it takes to get through an hour in the car could refresh an entire third world country. We drive a Civic, not known for its juice box capacity, much less a plethora of cupholders. And then upon our return home, we get to unwind by cleaning out the car and doing 10ish loads of laundry. Throwing out moldy grapes, and wondering if those are Cheerios gone wrong, or Fruit Loops gone awry. Hopefully we return to a house left in peace, unaccosted by a) burglars b) stray "pets" and/or c) escaped neighborhood crazies from the group home. (Anyone seen Ted?)

Option B: So, say we go nowhere. We take the Poor Man's Vacation: the Staycation?

Meaning what?........... we sit around and look at each other for a week? Charles continues with the home-maintenance projects he's so fond of and I continue with schooling, violin practice, laundry, cooking and cleaning? Charles gets the "added benefit" of doing home maintenance projects during the daylight with fewer mosquitoes and more humidity, with more pressure to get them "all done while he has the time." YES! AWESOME!

Ah, no. Un-awesome.

I propose a third option...... supports the local economy, and provides for a decent R&R for Mommy and Daddy. The All-Inclusive Alternacation.

Included:
Merry Maid Service
Handy Man
Lawn Service
Tutor
Nanny
Bonus: In-call massage therapist.

I figure we can support six local micro-economies in the comfort of our own home, safe and secure in the fact that if Cocoa the Friendly Neighborhood Pit Bull gets loose, her "parents" are but a quick phone call away..... no missed planes, no lay-overs, no orange barrels, no "Oh SNAP! I'm out of hand sanitizer! Quick, find a Dollar Tree!" freakouts.

Yes, the Alternacation could be a good thing. I wonder how much background checks cost? Will we ever be able to return from our Alternacation to the Real World? Or might we resort to Day Trading and Currency Swapping to maintain the Alternacation indefinitely?

Someone get Mark Burnett on Line 1. I think we have a winner!

Introducing...........

2009-07-21T13:14:00.002-05:00

The newest member of the family! Can you tell what it is?
S/he's got four legs, two long ears and a little puffy tail. I hope s/he's female, because Vin named her "Lucy." She's our feral bunnywabbit, living in our backyard. Bestest pet yet. Supercute, no feed or vet bills.

I only hope the red fox living in the marsh behind us doesn't get any barbeque ideas........

Bucket List

2009-07-15T10:13:00.003-05:00

You have one, right? That list of things to do before you die? I have one, and it keeps growing to the point where I think I might have to retire last week to get it all done! :)

1. Stonehenge
2. County Kildare, Ireland
3. Run a race of some sort
4. Get "some work done" (iukwim ;) )
5. Massive road trip of all the geographical landmarks in my favorite books
6. Write a book
7. Have an epiphany
8. Be a contestant on Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune
9. Own a horse
10. Step on each continent

Geez, many of my line items are pricey.

11. Win Powerball or Mega Millions lottery.

Nature/Nurture

2009-07-14T09:39:00.006-05:00

I love nature. I do. Honest. I drive a hybrid car. I recycle. I have a front-loading washing machine. I luuuuuuuuurve nature. I love it so much, I want to keep it pristine, clean, and most importantly, far FAR away from me.

I want to maximize my backyard. We have a nice backyard, plenty big, unfortunately it has a huge hunk o'granite in the middle of it. But we work around that.

I'm thinking beach - a big ole beach volleyball court IN my yard. How cool would that be?? No skeeters, no moles, no coons, no slugs. This pro guy - Todd Rogers, he managed it. A big fat sandbox with a net in the middle and a kiddie pool on the side. YES! FUN! 2 hour ride to the beach? Nasty public bath house? Questionable water quality? Buh to the bye, baby!!

One potential problem though............ how to keep the neighborhood kitties out? Tarp it every night?

What else could we do to minimize mowing? A cow? Llama? Alpaca? A goat? Baby boy is allergic to cow's milk, and there might not be enough space for a llama/alpaca, but a goat? That's got potential.

Goat milk, goat cheese.... making your own would probably be cheaper than buying it from Trader Joe's. And it would make a superfly homeschool science project. I wonder how much the vet bills would cost. Would they be comparable to the upkeep on a sandlot?

More importantly, can Billy Gruff cover a soccer goal?

Top 5

2009-07-13T14:43:00.004-05:00

I'm in a list-making mood. :)

Top Five Baby Foods:
1. Cheerios
2. melon
3. sweet potato
4. banana
5. applesauce

Top Five Little Boy Foods:
1. chicken nuggets
2. grilled cheese
3. curry
4. pancakes
5. scrambled eggs

Top Five Diet Foods:
1. 100-calorie popcorn bags
2. ice cubes
3. Diet Coke
4. green pepper strips
5. cherry tomatoes

Top Five Diet Exploders:
1. Pizza
2. Five Guys
3. Ice cream
4. Ice cream
5. Ice cream

Top Five Basic Cable Shows:
1. The Daily Show
2. The Colbert Report
3. Dirty Jobs
4. Mythbusters
5. Good Eats

Top Five Kids' Shows:
1. Between The Lions
2. Wordgirl
3. Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman
4. Cyberchase
5. Little Einsteins

Top Five Ways to Kill Time in Summer:
1. Library
2. Playground
3. Mall
4. Playground
5. Playground

If It's Monday, It Must Be Acid - Coleman

2009-07-13T07:53:00.002-05:00

Happy Monday, Party People!

Ready to rock? Prepped for pizazz? SUPAHDUPAH.

But first, let's have the answers avec jazz hands to yesterday's quiz:
1 - C
2 - A
3 - E
4 - B
5 - D

Now, because it's MONDAY and everybody hates MONDAYS because of the simple fact that it's MONDAY, let's save the ranting for another day and start off the week with a RAVE instead.

Here we are halfway through the summer and you're fresh outta beachy reading. Admit it. You blasted through Oprah's list, the Today Show list, and the USA Today list. All the full-color-Parade-Magazine easy stuff is shot. Now what?

You get yourself the rest of the way through the hot, humid, fetid summer with a little (or a lot) of Tim Dorsey. He's only the best murder/suspense author you haven't been reading. He's only hysterically L-O-L (yeah, WITH the dashes, drag it out) funny. He's the only author not writing about vampires who will force you to neglect your parenting and forget to cork the hose to the kiddie pool. Why is he the only one? Because you already plowed through all of Carl Hiaasen's stuff, that's why.

So get a hold of your local librarian and put in a request for Triggerfish Twist (yes, read them in chronological order). You'll feel so much better about the Old Farts cutting you off in traffic once you learn what you can do with Fix-A-Flat. Serge A. Storms, defender of the public trust, enforcer of logical empathy? Go Obama with me, folks......... YES, He Can!! Or, since it's set in Florida, SI, Se Puede!!

Happy Monday....... Feliz Lunes!

Matching Game

2009-07-12T14:56:00.004-05:00

So we're at the beach yesterday...... the whole fam, chillaxin and gettin our sun on. And playing a little game.

Object of the Game: Match the Interjection (!) with the scenario.

Interjections
1. ACK!!! Ohmigawd something snapped at me!!
2. Eeeuuuwwww!!
3. You need to turn that right around.
4. Do you REALLY need to do that HERE?!
5. Oh no!!

Scenarios
A. Jersey boi in man-pris, open dress shirt,
more bling than Mr T and a circumference
just less than the space needle.
B. Three drunken teens playing foosball
C. Woman getting attacked by seaweed.
D. Vin vomiting in the ocean.
E. State Park Rangers rejecting the public
from the at-capacity facility.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, such a Calgon day. ;)
Tune in for the answers tomorrow!

Speed Blogging

2009-07-09T12:13:00.005-05:00

Well here we go with that first, awkward, getting-to-know-you post. The purpose of this blog? To regale the general public with cutesy stories of my adorable children? To plead with Those In Charge to expand their NMR facilities? To detail my own personal transformation from Squishy Postnatal Mommy to Hardbody Maternal Hottie?

Ehhhhhhhhhhh. Not so much.

I was thinking more along the lines of ripping off PTI, doing High-Fidelity-type Top 5 lists, paraphrastic Dave Barry-esque commentaries on pop culture and the occasional household product review.

A'ight?