Telephone Remake

Shut up and watch.

Worth the Money, Honey

A short list of things and people that are definitely worth the money.

1. KABOOM! bathroom cleaner. I never knew how satisfying murdering germs could be til I saw that magical transformation of periwinkle-to-white foam at work. Take that, Mr. E. coli, and that, Madame Staph, and that, Sir Strep. RAWR.


















2. Honda hybrid vehicles. Change that oil once every 10k miles. Fill the tank with cheap gas once a month. Repeat for 7+ years.

















3. DVR. Seriously worth it's weight in gold. Or high-test. How did we live, pre-DVR? Oh yeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh, VHS. "Fix the tracking, will ya, son? Nope, went too far.... try again..... eh, dammit, gimme that clicker." Right. DVR = World Peace. We just need a few more units.



4. Diet Coke. Nothing can compare. Coke Zero? Too flat. Diet Pepsi? Too can-ny. Diet Rite? Too tinny. Tab? Too....... nuclear waste-y. Diet Coke. Peeeerrrrrrrrfect little bubbles, perrrrrrrrfect amount of aspartame tang, perrrrrrrrfect amount of caffeine. Enough to whack a headache, not so much that you start jiggling your keys 2 hours before heading home. Ah, Diet Coke, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.....



5. Johnson & Johnson Babywash. Not the generic, "plastic safety seals are for wussies" store brand. Real, actual J&J one&done baby wash. This stuff will take pine tar off your car and yet leave your baby's booty smooth and soft as, errrrmmmm, well, you know. You could practically feed it to your baby and aside from a few errant bubbly burps, no one would be the wiser. But should your precious booboochicken produce a wicked asphalt+sourghum+port wine-type of deposit in his weeeeee widdle pants, that happens to travel out his diaper and onto his weeeee widdle wegs, and all over his weeeee widdle butt, and his weeeeee widdle, uhhh, wee-wee(!), you can breathe easy knowing that you chose the Supreme Mohawk Making Poop Solvent.

6. NMR Spectroscopist. Specifically, my Mister, who is currently seeking full time employment.

How many times has this happened to you? You're sitting on top of a brand new cure, a vaccine which will simultaneously wipe out HIV and that annoying jock itch, but you really need to figure out if that precipitate in the tube is a problem. What is it? An impurity? An anomaly? A harmless biproduct? A carcinogen capable of destroying the population of Uruguay in a week? Tap, tap, tap. You need to formulate your fantastic new cure, get it into the pill, through the pipeline, and down the gullets of your Phase I vics, I mean, volunteers ASAP. You don't have time to waste, and your investors are checking their watches as well as the Dow ticker.........

Well, if you had a (my) handy dandy NMR Spectroscopist, all your problems would be SOLVED! A tap of the tube, a click of the button, a gentle whiiiiirrrrr and "WAH-LAA, Mr. Cure-Discoverer, there's yer problem. Just aspirate that supernatant over to this clean tube and you're good to go."

See there, your problems solved in a few minutes. Patents obtained, pills made, gullets filled, data analyzed, FDA cleared, investors .... invested, millions cured, millions made.



But you gotta make that hire. Call now, operators (me and my kiddos) are standing by. Try to ignore the hollering in the background, that's just my oldest scrubbing the tar off my youngest's booty with a mixture of J&J bodywash and Diet Coke.

Hey, Looky-Loo!!

A professional athlete who makes beaucoup de buckos, AND who appears to behave like a decent human being!!!
Teixeira Honors a Cancer Patient

Hmmmmm. We've found ONE. Let's hunt for some more.......

Jane Lynch Is A Goddess

TigerPhilGoodEvilOMGWhatShouldIThink

Please.
Stop.
I don't care.
I don't care how many waitresses Tiger boinked. Or what his wife is thinking, or feeling, or how she's dealing with it. I don't care if he really is a sex addict or not.
I don't care if Phil is A Good Guy or not. He could be a flamingly bad tipper for all I know.

These guys have nothing to do with the price of gas or eggs..... they are simply *yawn*able B storylines for Perez and TMZ at this point.... yet they led each evening newscast for nearly a week. Really?

What I do know is that when you make an astoundingly huge amount of money for chasing a teensy ball around the yards, you gots to take the bad with the good. Do I have the right to judge your personal life? Yes, yes I do. You chose your lifestyle, your endorsements, your interviews, and your career.... fully knowing that professional athletics is a branch off Ye Olde Entertainment Tree. All the perks and pitfalls which apply to Brangelina & Co also apply to Mr. Famous Golfer, Mr. Famous Quarterback (Big Ben, please pick up a white courtesy phone, your tenuous future is on line 2) and Mr. Famous ESPN Anchorman. There's no Magic Wall between the cinematic red carpet and the ESPYs red carpet....... if anything, professional athletes have aimed to become perceived as MORE comparable to their sweat-phobic funtime counterparts, not less.

Get a grip, get a brain, quit your whining, clean up your paper trail and please come to terms with your job description....... every contract is at-will, and the Price of Celebrity is clearly delineated in clause A(ii) a.k.a. the Paparazzi Clause, and clause B(iii-a), a.k.a. the Insanely High Compensation for Relatively Low Public Necessity. If you come up with a cure for HIV/AIDS, or a home-run in cancer treatment, or a fix for across-the-board literacy, you might be deserving of your meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellions of dollars.

But you currently chase a ball around the yard. In front of people. Like a labradoodle. So shut up and zip up.

That's Messed Up

We awoke to this




this morning. Apparently some Doofus was trying to avoid this ittybitty speedbump:



by swerving into our driveway and taking the bump on 2 wheels. Nice shot, jerkoff.

I think when we repair the box, we might have to add a little extra incentive to stay on the road:



Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Ask Questions - Make Mistakes - Get MESSY!!

From our Friends at Homeschool Happenings:

52 Totally Awesome Science Experiments

And once you get THOSE mastered, maybe you can go work for Uncle Sam, devising questionable foodstuffs for the masses:

US Gov't Creates Lowfat Cake and Frosting

I love the science behind it, but man, I hope it tastes better than fat free cheese.

Donovan McNabb traded to Redskins - Washington Times

I believe I had that.


Donovan McNabb traded to Redskins - Washington Times

So I guess this is a re-building year.

But you know who REALLY got hosed? Jason Campbell.

You stay Klassy, Dan Snyder. Meh.