1. KABOOM! bathroom cleaner. I never knew how satisfying murdering germs could be til I saw that magical transformation of periwinkle-to-white foam at work. Take that, Mr. E. coli, and that, Madame Staph, and that, Sir Strep. RAWR.
2. Honda hybrid vehicles. Change that oil once every 10k miles. Fill the tank with cheap gas once a month. Repeat for 7+ years.
3. DVR. Seriously worth it's weight in gold. Or high-test. How did we live, pre-DVR? Oh yeeeeeeeahhhhhhhh, VHS. "Fix the tracking, will ya, son? Nope, went too far.... try again..... eh, dammit, gimme that clicker." Right. DVR = World Peace. We just need a few more units.
4. Diet Coke. Nothing can compare. Coke Zero? Too flat. Diet Pepsi? Too can-ny. Diet Rite? Too tinny. Tab? Too....... nuclear waste-y. Diet Coke. Peeeerrrrrrrrfect little bubbles, perrrrrrrrfect amount of aspartame tang, perrrrrrrrfect amount of caffeine. Enough to whack a headache, not so much that you start jiggling your keys 2 hours before heading home. Ah, Diet Coke, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.....
5. Johnson & Johnson Babywash. Not the generic, "plastic safety seals are for wussies" store brand. Real, actual J&J one&done baby wash. This stuff will take pine tar off your car and yet leave your baby's booty smooth and soft as, errrrmmmm, well, you know. You could practically feed it to your baby and aside from a few errant bubbly burps, no one would be the wiser. But should your precious booboochicken produce a wicked asphalt+sourghum+port wine-type of deposit in his weeeeee widdle pants, that happens to travel out his diaper and onto his weeeee widdle wegs, and all over his weeeee widdle butt, and his weeeeee widdle, uhhh, wee-wee(!), you can breathe easy knowing that you chose the Supreme Mohawk Making Poop Solvent.
6. NMR Spectroscopist. Specifically, my Mister, who is currently seeking full time employment.
How many times has this happened to you? You're sitting on top of a brand new cure, a vaccine which will simultaneously wipe out HIV and that annoying jock itch, but you really need to figure out if that precipitate in the tube is a problem. What is it? An impurity? An anomaly? A harmless biproduct? A carcinogen capable of destroying the population of Uruguay in a week? Tap, tap, tap. You need to formulate your fantastic new cure, get it into the pill, through the pipeline, and down the gullets of your Phase I vics, I mean, volunteers ASAP. You don't have time to waste, and your investors are checking their watches as well as the Dow ticker.........
Well, if you had a (my) handy dandy NMR Spectroscopist, all your problems would be SOLVED! A tap of the tube, a click of the button, a gentle whiiiiirrrrr and "WAH-LAA, Mr. Cure-Discoverer, there's yer problem. Just aspirate that supernatant over to this clean tube and you're good to go."
See there, your problems solved in a few minutes. Patents obtained, pills made, gullets filled, data analyzed, FDA cleared, investors .... invested, millions cured, millions made.
But you gotta make that hire. Call now, operators (me and my kiddos) are standing by. Try to ignore the hollering in the background, that's just my oldest scrubbing the tar off my youngest's booty with a mixture of J&J bodywash and Diet Coke.
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