Staycation? Vacation? Alternacation?

A few months ago, Charles suggested we take a "real" vacation this year. As in, "Pack up the car, honey, let's hit the road. " I got VERY excited! I started looking at maps. I engaged Vin in all manner of hypothetical geographical discussions. We dreamed, we planned, we calculated.

Here we are, mid-July.

The extent of our vacations thus far have included one day trip to the beach in New Jersey (motto: "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY YOU ASSHOLE!"), and one day trip to the beach in Delaware (motto: "You're from New Jersey, aren't you. Sigh").

It's juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussttttttttttttttt........... not worth it. The diapers. The clothes. The sheer number of juice boxes it takes to get through an hour in the car could refresh an entire third world country. We drive a Civic, not known for its juice box capacity, much less a plethora of cupholders. And then upon our return home, we get to unwind by cleaning out the car and doing 10ish loads of laundry. Throwing out moldy grapes, and wondering if those are Cheerios gone wrong, or Fruit Loops gone awry. Hopefully we return to a house left in peace, unaccosted by a) burglars b) stray "pets" and/or c) escaped neighborhood crazies from the group home. (Anyone seen Ted?)

Option B: So, say we go nowhere. We take the Poor Man's Vacation: the Staycation?

Meaning what?........... we sit around and look at each other for a week? Charles continues with the home-maintenance projects he's so fond of and I continue with schooling, violin practice, laundry, cooking and cleaning?  Charles gets the "added benefit" of doing home maintenance projects during the daylight with fewer mosquitoes and more humidity, with more pressure to get them "all done while he has the time." YES! AWESOME! 

Ah, no. Un-awesome.

I propose a third option...... supports the local economy, and provides for a decent R&R for Mommy and Daddy. The All-Inclusive Alternacation.

Included:
Merry Maid Service
Handy Man
Lawn Service
Tutor
Nanny
Bonus: In-call massage therapist.

I figure we can support six local micro-economies in the comfort of our own home, safe and secure in the fact that if Cocoa the Friendly Neighborhood Pit Bull gets loose, her "parents" are but a quick phone call away..... no missed planes, no lay-overs, no orange barrels, no "Oh SNAP! I'm out of hand sanitizer! Quick, find a Dollar Tree!" freakouts.

Yes, the Alternacation could be a good thing.  I wonder how much background checks cost? Will we ever be able to return from our Alternacation to the Real World? Or might we resort to Day Trading and Currency Swapping to maintain the Alternacation indefinitely? 

Someone get Mark Burnett on Line 1. I think we have a winner!

Introducing...........

The newest member of the family! Can you tell what it is?
S/he's got four legs, two long ears and a little puffy tail. I hope s/he's female, because Vin named her "Lucy." She's our feral bunnywabbit, living in our backyard. Bestest pet yet. Supercute, no feed or vet bills.

I only hope the red fox living in the marsh behind us doesn't get any barbeque ideas........

Bucket List

You have one, right? That list of things to do before you die? I have one, and it keeps growing to the point where I think I might have to retire last week to get it all done! :)

1. Stonehenge
2. County Kildare, Ireland
3. Run a race of some sort
4. Get "some work done" (iukwim ;) )
5. Massive road trip of all the geographical landmarks in my favorite books
6. Write a book
7. Have an epiphany
8. Be a contestant on Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune
9. Own a horse
10. Step on each continent

Geez, many of my line items are pricey.

11. Win Powerball or Mega Millions lottery.

Nature/Nurture

I love nature. I do. Honest. I drive a hybrid car. I recycle. I have a front-loading washing machine. I luuuuuuuuurve nature. I love it so much, I want to keep it pristine, clean, and most importantly, far FAR away from me.

I want to maximize my backyard. We have a nice backyard, plenty big, unfortunately it has a huge hunk o'granite in the middle of it. But we work around that.

I'm thinking beach - a big ole beach volleyball court IN my yard. How cool would that be?? No skeeters, no moles, no coons, no slugs. This pro guy - Todd Rogers, he managed it. A big fat sandbox with a net in the middle and a kiddie pool on the side. YES! FUN! 2 hour ride to the beach? Nasty public bath house? Questionable water quality? Buh to the bye, baby!!

One potential problem though............ how to keep the neighborhood kitties out? Tarp it every night?









What else could we do to minimize mowing? A cow? Llama? Alpaca? A goat? Baby boy is allergic to cow's milk, and there might not be enough space for a llama/alpaca, but a goat? That's got potential.


Goat milk, goat cheese.... making your own would probably be cheaper than buying it from Trader Joe's. And it would make a superfly homeschool science project. I wonder how much the vet bills would cost. Would they be comparable to the upkeep on a sandlot?

More importantly, can Billy Gruff cover a soccer goal?

Top 5

I'm in a list-making mood. :)

Top Five Baby Foods:
1. Cheerios
2. melon
3. sweet potato
4. banana
5. applesauce

Top Five Little Boy Foods:
1. chicken nuggets
2. grilled cheese
3. curry
4. pancakes
5. scrambled eggs

Top Five Diet Foods:
1. 100-calorie popcorn bags
2. ice cubes
3. Diet Coke
4. green pepper strips
5. cherry tomatoes

Top Five Diet Exploders:
1. Pizza
2. Five Guys
3. Ice cream
4. Ice cream
5. Ice cream

Top Five Basic Cable Shows:
1. The Daily Show
2. The Colbert Report
3. Dirty Jobs
4. Mythbusters
5. Good Eats

Top Five Kids' Shows:
1. Between The Lions
2. Wordgirl
3. Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman
4. Cyberchase
5. Little Einsteins

Top Five Ways to Kill Time in Summer:
1. Library
2. Playground
3. Mall
4. Playground
5. Playground

If It's Monday, It Must Be Acid - Coleman

Happy Monday, Party People!

Ready to rock? Prepped for pizazz? SUPAHDUPAH.

But first, let's have the answers avec jazz hands to yesterday's quiz:
1 - C
2 - A
3 - E
4 - B
5 - D

Now, because it's MONDAY and everybody hates MONDAYS because of the simple fact that it's MONDAY, let's save the ranting for another day and start off the week with a RAVE instead.

Here we are halfway through the summer and you're fresh outta beachy reading. Admit it. You blasted through Oprah's list, the Today Show list, and the USA Today list. All the full-color-Parade-Magazine easy stuff is shot. Now what?

You get yourself the rest of the way through the hot, humid, fetid summer with a little (or a lot) of Tim Dorsey. He's only the best murder/suspense author you haven't been reading. He's only hysterically L-O-L (yeah, WITH the dashes, drag it out) funny. He's the only author not writing about vampires who will force you to neglect your parenting and forget to cork the hose to the kiddie pool. Why is he the only one? Because you already plowed through all of Carl Hiaasen's stuff, that's why.

So get a hold of your local librarian and put in a request for Triggerfish Twist (yes, read them in chronological order). You'll feel so much better about the Old Farts cutting you off in traffic once you learn what you can do with Fix-A-Flat. Serge A. Storms, defender of the public trust, enforcer of logical empathy? Go Obama with me, folks......... YES, He Can!! Or, since it's set in Florida, SI, Se Puede!!

Happy Monday....... Feliz Lunes!

Matching Game

So we're at the beach yesterday...... the whole fam, chillaxin and gettin our sun on. And playing a little game.

Object of the Game: Match the Interjection (!) with the scenario.

Interjections
1. ACK!!! Ohmigawd something snapped at me!!
2. Eeeuuuwwww!!
3. You need to turn that right around.
4. Do you REALLY need to do that HERE?!
5. Oh no!!

Scenarios
A. Jersey boi in man-pris, open dress shirt,
more bling than Mr T and a circumference
just less than the space needle.
B. Three drunken teens playing foosball
C. Woman getting attacked by seaweed.
D. Vin vomiting in the ocean.
E. State Park Rangers rejecting the public
from the at-capacity facility.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, such a Calgon day. ;)
Tune in for the answers tomorrow!

Speed Blogging

Well here we go with that first, awkward, getting-to-know-you post. The purpose of this blog? To regale the general public with cutesy stories of my adorable children? To plead with Those In Charge to expand their NMR facilities? To detail my own personal transformation from Squishy Postnatal Mommy to Hardbody Maternal Hottie?

Ehhhhhhhhhhh. Not so much.

I was thinking more along the lines of ripping off PTI, doing High-Fidelity-type Top 5 lists, paraphrastic Dave Barry-esque commentaries on pop culture and the occasional household product review.

A'ight?