Take my husband, PLEASE!

No, I'm not searching for a Big Love - style tag team partner. I'm searching for a JOB, a position of full time EMPLOYMENT, some sort of Bring Home Dee Bacon On a Regular Basis Occupation for my Main Squeeze.

Charles is a casualty of the massive lay-off design of AstraZeneca (motto: "We don't need no steeenkeeeeng research!") in its plan to ditch the "R" of R&D. Considering the American Big Pharma trend in abandoning in-house research in favor of buying up smaller shops, he is ready to try a new industry.

Big Oil? Are you listening?

Corporate Farm, Inc? We're talkin' to YOU too!

We'll go anywhere, relo is not a prob, Bob!!

What's that? You say you're a Hiring Manager, in search of (or, "ISO," I think the kids are saying) an NMR spectroscopist with 11 years of industrial experience and the all-important Ph.D.? You say you need this person to have an eerie MacGyver-way of solving problems and producing results? Oh, and this applicant should speaky de THREE languages fluently? And not require visa sponsorship? And be eligible to work ANYWHERE in these United States of America?

DING DING DING!!!! We have a winner!

May I present to you, The Dr. Charles Babu. NMR Spectroscopist to the Stars. Analytical Chemist Extraordinaire. The Gandhi of Linux, The Guru of Handyman Repairs.

He can build a laptop with a check-book cover, a hairpin, and a Barbie shoe. And it'll be faster than that pc mess you're working on right now. And that's just his HOBBY. Imagine what he could do with your million dollar lab!!

He'll mentor your interns and educate your Six Sigma team with efficiencies you've only read about in Stephen Hawking's inkblot interpretations. And he won't even call a MEETING to do it........ he'll just transfer whatever you need to know via....
wait for it.......... are you sitting down?

Direct Communication.

*GASP*

I'll give you a minute to catch your breath.

If you have a question, he'll have an ANSWER. He won't chitterchat about accountability or question your motives. He won't call a meeting, form a steering committee or create a powerpoint reproduction of the matter (unless you want one). He'll just pinpoint the issue, and announce "Well, THERE'S your problem!"

And then he'll fix it. Just like he fixed my fridge, washer, dryer, Honda Civic, Honda Accord, garbage disposal and electrical outlets, all in the last few months. He won't procrastinate and he WILL read the directions!!

So your warranties will remain intact.

How many times have you looked at that test tube of The Next Billion Dollar Product, shaken your head, squinted at the spectrum and said to yourself, "Great, but what the hell is that OTHER stuff? We can't put that in a pill! Especially not knowing what it IS!"

He'll find your impurities, tell you what they are, if they matter and how to get RID of them. Funky solvent? Odd precipitate? Curious color? Charles to the rescue!

You say you need a paper trail, huh? You've got "authorities" and "regulations" and "compliance issues?" You need your procedures VALIDATED? Charles is all over GLP/GMP like white. on. rice. Your Regulatory Team will feel like they've had a Spa Day upon inspecting Charles' reports and lab. "Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Call now! Operators are standing by.

T'is the Season!

Ahhhhh yes. The Season of Giving. The Season of Laughter. The Season to Be Grateful. The Season of Less Snarkitude and More Empathy.

I'm UberThankful for:

1. the good health of myself and my family!!! That's always the #1 item.
2. my library system. Seriously. Without it, I'd be broke. if I ever win the Powerball, I'm going to tithe my library.
3. the relative ease with which I can homeschool my kids. What with the googles and the lackadaisical attitude of my state towards public edumacation, I can be The Boss with little-to-no paperwork hassles.
4. frozen individual meals. Lean Cuisine? I'm talkin' ta YOU. SmartOnes? Healthy Choice? Step up and receive your award. All y'all help me keep my sanity on a daily basis.
5. Target brand chicken nuggets. My children's sole source of protein many days.
6. SuperTarget! My own personal superhero, complete with red (bullseye) cape. Where else can you get 93% lean ground beef, a Spongebob Make Your Own Taco Kit, Spongebob jammies and Spongebob batteries all in one easy stop?
7. My "girls." Many years ago I joined an online community and have found friendships that have lasted through marriage, divorce, children's births, children's tragedies, and multiple "No He Didn'ts!" wrt J&J+8. I've met a few of them irl and am so happy to say they did not turn out to be serial killers or (even worse) men trolling as women. ;)

On that note I want one of these dear friends to know that she's in my heart and thoughts especially..... my fellow blogger Katy has had bizarre and unexplained health issues recently. While I'm thankful that none of my worst-case-scenario-fears have come true, I truly wish I could be there for her in person to help with the regular, mundane stuff, and to support her family. She's one of the strongest ladies I've ever met and a credit to her daughters and our gender. Get well SOON, Katy!!

ISO...

I am in search of an industrial application for the corporate - size lots of baby snot being produced at my house. Seriously, people, I'm like, ankle-deep here and it's only getting sloshier as the day drags on.

Think 3M would be interested? Kind of a "green" scheme for post-its? It's sticky, pliable and biodegradeable........

Or maybe the fine gentlemen at This Old House can use it in some sort of insulating capacity?

Or perhaps I should call Ortho and end-license this fabulous product as the next generation fly paper?

Shudder.

Dear Michael Vick: You're On The Clock!

Since moving to the Philadelphia area some ten years ago, we've taken to our adopted locale as many a native might: we become immediately outraged at the slightest, um, slight to our fair city, we belligerantly defend her crime, her overpriced cheesesteaks, her (big finger quotes here) "public transportation," and her diversity to the point of irrationality. Why? Because Philadelphia truly is the City of Brotherly (and Sisterly) Love, embracing all ethnicities and lifestyles. She may be on a down-cycle, but that only means the upswing is around the corner.

Now that we've spent our cliché quota.......

Michael Vick has signed a two year contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. Their plan is so simple, it's genius: re-train Vick as the QB he coulda been. If McNabb gets injured, Vick's your starter. If the Iggles make the Superbowl and win, McNabb will probably retire, and Vick is your starter. If they do well and McNabb doesn't retire but Vick proves his worth, trade Vick for beau coup de picks and players. Win-win for everyone.

It's van Gogh in it's simplicity, depth and foresight.

Dear Michael:
You said all the right stuff at your press conference today. Let's see if you can walk the walk... you are ON the CLOCK!

CC to Donovan: Please keep your boy off South Street, and on Straight & Narrow Highway. Coach Dungy can't be everywhere at once, you know.

(and you thought I was fresh outta clichés? I'm just gettin warmed up!)

How long til someone dusts off Gretsky and throws some Phlyers pads on him?

You Know Your Kids Pay Attention When...

So the other day, my oldest son, Vin (5) and I have this conversation.

Vin: Why is your face all scrunched up, Mommy?
Me: I'm trying to think of the title of a book I read a long time ago.
Vin: Was it a big book?
Me: No, it was kinda small.
Vin: Is it on our shelf?
Me: No, I gave it away. I'd like to read it again from the library, but I can't remember the name of it.
Vin: Was it about VAMPIRES? You read a lot of books about VAMPIRES!



Tee hee hee. Well, yeah, maybe I do. *blush* I'm a Twilight Mom. And a Sookie Mom. And an Anita Blake Mom. I'm an Undead and Un______ Mom. I was an Interviewee With the Vampire before I was a Mom.

I have done my level best to instill a love of reading in Vin by setting a good example. Perhaps it's time to set an example of diversity in taste? Time to demonstrate that new genres can be exciting and thrilling, even if you do leave behind your comfy little niche (however momentarily)? I can't have him watching me and then deciding he only wants to read Nate the Great-style mysteries (well-written and intriguing as they might be, even for a child's series!) forever and ever.



Earlier this summer I got myself hooked (and by "hooked," I mean "crack-addicted") to a serial killer series by Tim Dorsey.



I'm still making my way through that set. Between Serge and Anita, I just don't have room in my life for another character. My heart is full. And while I anxiously await the next installment of Sookie and Betsy, I'm secretly relieved to be able to concentrate on just two of my favorite fictional people instead of four!

Of course, you know the millisecond a sequel comes out for Breaking Dawn, I'll have that baby pre-ordered faster than you say FANG.



P.S., I did finally remember the title of that book: Since the Layoffs, by Iain Levison. Fantastic novel about........ you guessed it......... a murderer. Happy Weekend!

To Be Invented:

Note to self: Do what you love. Get someone else to do the other stuff.

To do:

1. Be a mommy.
2. Read
3. Watch that diet
4. Find some more movement
5. Learn about what's going on in the world
6. Con Charles into a 3rd kiddo
   

To get someone else to do:

1. Invent self-folding laundry
2. Invent self-unloading dishwasher
3. Invent self-cleaning bathrooms
4. Invent a way to herd the bugs out of my house so that I don't have to

• a) smash them
• b) squash them
• c) crunch them
• d) get stung/bitten while attempting a-c.

Cardboard? Noooo... Delicious? Yesssssss!

Surely you've seen him. The handsome actor of questionable Asian descent (immediately and affectionately deemed a "cousin" by our crack in-house staff of lay-genealogists) has become an ubiquitous symbol of friendly, gentle bowel rehab, an anti-anal-retentive guru for the uptight, pent-up white bread American.

A group to which I am a card-carrying member.

Ajay Mehta is even less threatening than Jamie Lee Curtis with her fancy yogurt, and THAT is saying something. (Although that whole Halloween history works against her just a wee bit IMHO.)

The fact that Mr. Mehta (an Indian, according to the all-knowing Wiki folks) works on a marketing campaign for something inherently designed to make you feel like he sounds..... chillaxed, Calgon-ed away, and most importantly, REGULAR, says a little something about his home culture.

Indians can poop like there is NO tomorrow. I think it's a genetic gift. A gift akin to, say, flying. Or becoming invisible at-will. Or ESP. I should know, because I'm married to a guy who never lets a cross-Atlantic flight stop him up, never has to "run home to let out the dog," and never gets that "not so fresh" feeling that often accompanies a few days of digestive immobility.

I believe it to be nature, rather than nurture that accommodates him so happily. Even on an American diet, he has remained more regular than Old Faithful. His children have NEVER had to eat a "fiber cookie," never had a haemorrhoid, rarely even have a "push face" - you know, the one that is so endearing to see on a toddler? The only way you know they're working hard?

While this genetic superpower obviously has its upside: schedule-ability, resultant easy-going attitudes; it also has a decidedly negative point: MY GAWD, THE SMELL.

I can lysol the bejeezus out of my bathrooms, I can change the diaper pail 3X daily, but good gravy you can tell this house is filled to the brim with MEN.

Very happy, relaxed, Buddha-like men, who never met a potty they didn't give a test-run. And by (big finger quotes here) "test-run," I mean Gone in 60 Seconds/Fast&Furious/RUSH HOUR - style rehearsals.

Note to self: check DVR for F&F reruns.....



I, otoh, being that card-carrying victim of white bread dietary obstruction, luuuuurve me some Fiber One in any/all carnations. My only issue is this: like the tater chips which by DESIGN necessitate the need for F1 in the first place...

Once I pop, I can't stop. Muffins, pancakes, bars, oh my.......

'S'cuse me, I have to go let the dog out.